The Remarriage Question:

A Husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks THE QUESTION......?

WIFE: 'What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?’
HUSBAND: 'Definitely not!'
WIFE: 'Why not? Don't you like being married?'
HUSBAND: 'Of course I do.'
WIFE: 'Then why wouldn't you remarry?'
HUSBAND: 'Okay, okay, I'd get married again.'

WIFE: 'You would?'(with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)

WIFE: 'Would you live in our house?'
HUSBAND: 'Sure, it's a great house.'
WIFE: 'Would you sleep with her in our bed?'
HUSBAND: 'Where else would we sleep?'
WIFE: 'Would you let her drive my car?'
HUSBAND: 'Probably, it is almost new.'
WIFE: 'Would you replace my pictures with hers?'
HUSBAND: 'That would seem like the proper thing to do.'
WIFE: 'Would you give her my jewelry?'
HUSBAND 'No, I'm sure she'd want her own.'
WIFE: 'Would you take her golfing with you?’
HUSBAND: 'Yes, those are always good times.'
WIFE: 'Would she use my clubs?’
HUSBAND: 'No, she's left-handed.'
WIFE: ----- silence ------
HUSBAND: 'S h i t.'

Tiger Beat

T'was the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house,
Tiger Woods came a flyin', chased by his spouse.

She wielded a nine iron and wasn't too merry,
Cause a bimbo's phone number was in his Blackberry.

He’d been cheatin' on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.

He'd been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.

From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger's sad sordid tale was all over the news.

With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin' them texts.

Despite all his cryin' and beggin' and pleadin',
Tiger's wife went investin' -- a new home in Sweden.

And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
"If you're gettin' laid, then I'm gettin' paid."

She is not pouting, she’s of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.

No Nativity Scene in DC

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the United States' Capital this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason. They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in the Nation's Capitol. Search for a Virgin continues. There will be no problem however finding enough asses to fill the stable.

Amen.

For those up a creek

Do you need glasses?

Are you looking at the shoulder of the photographer?

Confessional truth

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church.

As he steps in, he's struck dumb: There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall holds a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.

Then he hears the door on the other side open and the priest comes in.

"Father, forgive me," he says, "for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession. But I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be!"

"Get out you fool!" the priest hisses. "You're on my side!"

Respect Fire-fighters, but this is funny!

On the range

Bagdad Bob

Breeding Bulls

My wife and I went to the state fair and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said, ' THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs .....Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year.'
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, ''THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW~~ That's more than twice a week! ..You could learn a lot from him.'

We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, 'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said, 'That's once a day. You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said, 'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'

My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable, and I should eventually make a full recovery.

Life in 4 bottles

Men are like...

Men are like…
1. Men are like Laxatives. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather. Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like Blenders. You need one, but you're not quite sure why.
5. Men are like Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like Government Bonds. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms. You never know when they're coming, how many inches you'll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like Lava Lamps. Fun to look at, but not very bright.
13. Men are like Parking Spots. All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Humor from the troops 2

Humor from the troops

Seeing -eye dogs

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink." The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got the dogs with us." The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Doberman?" The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good." The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, "What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in. Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog." The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman shouts indignantly: "A Chihuahua!? They gave me a f---king Chihuahua!!??

Surgical Recovery

A surgeon went to check on his patient after an operation.
She was awake, so he examined her. "You'll be fine," he said.
She asked, "How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

"What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?"
He replied, "Yes, you'll be fine.
It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

No Parent Left Behind

These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district
Spellings have been left intact.....

1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19.. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.

Don't complain about your job

Installing a Husband

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.


DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.

If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.

Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

Signs of the times

Laws of Life

Murphy's First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.

First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.

Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

The Gate-keeper

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her 'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?' 'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her. 'Which word?' the woman asked. 'Love'. The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?' 'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her. 'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.

What a bummer! So, how do I get in?'
'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.
'Which word?' her husband asked.

‘Czechoslovakia '

Quote

'It has been said that politics is the second oldest
profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.' - Ronald Reagan

The second greatest suit!

You have to give him credit for taking Camo and making a sport-jacket!

The greatest suit was made for an episode of M*A*S*H when one of the doctors bought some material for a pin-stripe suit and had it privately tailored in Korea. He didn't feel he needed to explain anything to the tailor, so in the final scene he walks in to show off his suit with the pin-stripes horizontal like a well-dressed prisoner.

Aromatherapy

McLogic

What was the question?

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her :

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws -

* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

* Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

* The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

* If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

* If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

* The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

* Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

* The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

* A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

* When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Parking Ticket

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.

I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.

So I called him a pencil necked Nazi.

He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!

So I called him a horse f_**ker.

He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes!

Anyway, after giving up with all the arguing, I walked around the corner to where my car was parked, and drove off...............

Parenting

Morons

Bottled Water

Thou shalt not...

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds. After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'

Police recruit

A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?' He answered, 'Call for backup.'

Cough

It was cold and flu season. The Rabbi was not happy with the constant coughing disturbing his sermons so he decided to call on old Abe to help him solve the problem.

Comes the next Saturday morning, the Rabbi gave old Abe a bowl of cough drops and instructions to give to a cough drop to any congregation member who was coughing.

So following his Rabbi's orders, every time a member coughed, old Abe walked over and gave them a cough drop.

The Rabbi noticed that each time he did this, the member then stood up and left the sermon. At the end of the service, half of the members were gone.

After services the Rabbi calls old Abe at home and asked what he said to the members that made them leave the hall.

Old Abe says, "So vat did I say? ... All that I said wuz, 'the Rabbi said for cough!'"

Quote:

“I have Kleptomania. But, when it gets bad, I take something for it."

One day employment

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'Hell no, they ain't twins. The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?'

So I replied, 'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

Pooh & Piglet

Don't get swine flu

Father O’Malley and the Jackass

An Irish priest was transferred to Texas. Father O'Malley rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new Texas mission parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the local police station. The conversation went like this:

'Good morning. This is Sergeant Jones. How might I help you?'
'And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley at St. Ann's Catholic Church. There's a jackass lying dead in me front lawn and would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?'

Sergeant Jones, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, 'Well now Father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!'

There was a dead silence on the line for a long moment … Then Father O’Malley replied: “'Aye, 'tis certainly true; but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.

Erectile Bathtubs

Though I have not seen any in my neighborhood, it appears from ads for Cialis that people with Erectile Dysfunction purchase "his" and "hers" bathtubs and sit in them outside their houses. How this relates to their condition remains a mystery. However, at the end of the commercial there is a trailer that reads: “See our ad in Golf Digest.” I can only conclude that this condition is rife among golfers!!

An Old Man, A Boy And A Donkey...

An old man, a boy and a donkey, were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked. As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding. The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later, they passed some people who remarked, 'What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.' So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey. The boy and man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.

Moral of the story: If you try to please everyone, you might as well...
Kiss your ass goodbye!

What Starts with F and ends with K

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and
he agreed to take the test.

Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry: '9..'
Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry: '36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions.'
The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why she would ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious, and contains thin, whitish liquid?'
Harry: 'Coconut..'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry: 'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.....”

Things You'll Never Hear In A Western Movie ....

"Guns? We don't need no stinking guns!"

"Hey, Buck, do these chaps make my ass look big?"

"Injuns! Quick, pull the wagons into an irregular dodecagon!"

"Let's see ... hardtack and pemmican ... that's three grams of fat, seven grams of protein, and two starches."

"Gentlemen, rather than get caught up in mindless reaction, let's draw upon our feminine selves for a more intuitive solution."

"Can we postpone this duel till 12:05? I gotta use the little boys' room."

"I reckon I'll have me a half-caf double latte with a twist. IN A DIRTY MUG!"

You 'n' Slim round up them strays, and I'll tell Cookie to get started on the gazpacho and the fondue."

The Importance of Walking

Walking can add minutes to your life.
This enables you at 85 years old
to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing
home at $7000 per month.

My grandpa started walking
five miles a day when he was 60.
Now he's 97 years old
and we don't know where he is.

I like long walks,
especially when they are taken
by people who annoy me.

The only reason I would take up walking
is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

I have to walk early in the morning,
before my brain figures out what I'm doing..

I joined a health club last year,
spent about 400 bucks.
Haven't lost a pound.
Apparently you have to go there.

Every time I hear the dirty word 'exercise',
I wash my mouth out with chocolate.

I do have flabby thighs,
but fortunately my stomach covers them.

The advantage of exercising every day
is so when you die, they'll say,
'Well, she looks good doesn't she.'

If you are going to try cross-country skiing,
start with a small country.

I know I got a lot of exercise
the last few years,......
just getting over the hill.

We all get heavier as we get older,
because there's a lot more information in our heads.
That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

AND

Every time I start thinking too much
about how I look,
I just find a Happy Hour
and by the time I leave,
I look just fine.

The old golfer

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is a good looking, old retired golfer in his late 60's and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and
starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her
entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor.

He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies, "No problem, just get that damn lion out of the way."

The end of my rainbow

Twisted perspective:

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.'
'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

Two reasons why it's so hard to solve a redneck murder:

1. The DNA all matches.
2. There are no dental records.

Never Argue with a Woman

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, 'Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?'

'Reading a book,' she replies, (thinking, 'Isn't that obvious?')

'You're in a Restricted Fishing Area,' he informs her.

'I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading.'

'Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up.'

'If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault,' says the woman.

'But I haven't even touched you,' says the Game Warden.

'That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.'

'Have a nice day ma'am,' and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

Quote: “Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly.”

The missing amendment

Questions about Men

Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.

Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.

Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.

Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in.

What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.

Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.

Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.

Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.

Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.

How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys TWO cases of beer.

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.

Managed Care at the Highest Level

Three people pass and appear at the gates of Heaven to meet St. Peter. He asks the first one: “How did you live your life?” She answered: “I was a laboratory researcher for a medical branch which looked for cures for various diseases. I worked hard all my life and never squandered my time on earth.”

St. Peter says: “Welcome, my child. You may enter into Heaven!” And he turns to the next person and asks: “How did you live your life?” He answered: “I was a doctor in a wealthy neighborhood but spent half of my time volunteering in local clinics and working for Doctors without borders. I also gave regularly to my house of worship.”

St. Peter says: “Welcome, my child. You may enter into Heaven!” And he turns to the next person and asks: “How did you live your life?” She answers: “Well, I also worked in the medical field. I worked in the billing department of a managed care company and I worked hard to keep costs down and make medical care available to more people. I also attended church regularly.”

St. Peter says: “Welcome, my child. You may enter into Heaven!”

The woman is pleasantly surprised and asks St. Peter: “Now-a-days people don’t much like people in managed care – I’m a little surprised I got into Heaven so easily!”

To which St. Peter answers: “No problem, you have been pre-approved for three days.”

Grandma what a big nose you have!

Military Sense of Humor
"One weekend a month My Ass!"

Senor Driver

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"

"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

Quote: "Friendship is like peeing your pants, everyone can see it, but only YOU can feel the true warmth."

Math Bumper-sticker

Definition of Liquidity

Quotes to make you feel smarter

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.

'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey

'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.

'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC .

'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President

'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Dan Quayle

'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca

'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina

'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery

'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman

From the Catskill Circuit

1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.

2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.

3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.

4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes.'

5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! .

6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.

7. A man called his mother in Florida, 'Mom, how are you?' '
Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've been very weak. '
The son said, 'Why are you so weak?'
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.'
The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?'
The mother answered, 'Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'

8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, 'What part is it?'
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband. '
The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'

9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.

10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) 'Don't ! bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.'

11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.

12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.'
'Force yourself,' she replied.

Wall Street

Goodbye Daddy

A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: 'God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa.'

The father asked, 'Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?'

The little girl said, 'I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do.' The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: 'God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.' The next day the grandmother died.

'Holy sh!t 'thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: 'God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy.' He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said 'I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?'

He said 'I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life.'

She said, 'You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson!’

An Obituary printed in the London Times -

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;
- Why the early bird gets the worm;
- Life isn't always fair;
- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses; and criminals received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, by his wife, Discretion, by his daughter, Responsibility, and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim. Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

Most of us are not this GOOD.

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'

’I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks.

'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt. So he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's Desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People!!

Medical Diagnostics

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'
'Mrs. Sanders, please.'
’Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests once and once only.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Quote: "Experience - You can't buy it, but you will pay for it!"

Questions and Answers from an AARP Forum

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the Bible. Is that true? Where can it be found?
A: Matthew 14:92: "And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt."

Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60+ year-olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem, retrieving it is a problem.

Near-sighted farmer at Thanksgiving

Lucky night at the bar:

A guy had an interesting experience recently involving an "older" woman he met at a bar. She looked pretty damn HOT for 62. She was drinking quite a bit and, while they were chatting, she came right out and asked him if he'd ever had a "sportsman's double" - a mother and daughter threesome.

He said no, but she might be able to talk him into it. So she slams back one last drink, wipes her mouth and, looking directly into his eyes, says, "Tonight's your lucky night."

So they go back to her place, she clicks on the hall light right as they enter her place, and she shouts upstairs: “Mom! You still awake?"

Two Irishmen

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland " The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am"

The first guy says, "So am I And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin , I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I. And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I.! So did I. And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, let's see, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight"

Vicky asks, "Why do you say that, Brian?"
"The Murphy twins are drunk again."

Sister Mary Catherine

Sister Mary Katherine entered the Monastery of Silence. The Priest said, "Sister, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you like, but you may not speak until directed to do so."

Sister Mary Katherine lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Priest said to her, "Sister Mary Katherine, you have been here for 5 years. You may speak two words."

Sister Mary Katherine said, "Hard bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that," the Priest said, "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Sister Mary Katherine was summoned by the Priest. "You may say another two words, Sister Mary Katherine."

"Cold food," said Sister Mary Katherine, and the Priest assured her that the food would be better in the future.

On her 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Priest again called Sister Mary Katherine in to his office. "You may say two words today."

"I quit," said Sister Mary Katherine.

"It's probably best," said the Priest, "You've done nothing but bitch since you got here."

Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Quickie

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most." He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?"

He asks her "Shall we?"

She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head."

Comments by patients during Colonoscopies

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!

2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"

3. "Can you hear me NOW?"

4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"

5. "You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married."

6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"

7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out..."

8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"

9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!

10. "Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."

11. "You used to be an executive at Enron , didn't you?"

12. "God, now I know why I am not gay."


And the best one of all...

13. "Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up here

WHAT MEN WOULD LIKE TO SAY TO WOMEN

01. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

02. Learn to work the toilet seat, if it is up, put it down.

03. Don't cut your hair. Ever.

04. Sometimes we're not thinking about you. Live with it.

05. Get rid of your cat.

06. Sunday = sports.

07. Anything you wear is fine. Really.

08. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their
right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

09. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than pissing from
point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a
doctor.

16. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument.

18. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.

19. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of
the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we
know how pretty you are?

21. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you
want it done - not both.

23. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do
we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says "I Love You" like sex.

Dog Prayer

Kid Pix

Far Side Diet

Getting a hairdryer through customs...

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”
“Of course, child. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my Mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.” The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

The Lie Detector

Police in Radnor, Pa. interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message ‘He’s lying’ was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn’t telling the truth. Believing the ‘lie detector’ was working, the suspect confessed

Quote: "I can't remember a time when I was ever this forgetful!"

Quote: "The beatings will continue until morale improves!"

Knowing your worth

A well-known speaker started off his seminar by holding up a $20.00 bill. In the room of 200, he asked, "Who would like this $20 bill?" Hands started going up. He said, "I am going to give this $20 to one of you but first, let me do this."

He proceeded to crumple up the $20 dollar bill.

He then asked, "Who still wants it?" Still the hands were up in the air. Well, he replied, "What if I do this?"

And he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He picked it up, now crumpled and dirty. "Now, who still wants it?" Still the hands went into the air.

"My friends, we have all learned a very valuable lesson. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It was still worth $20. Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumpled, and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless.

But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value. Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE you. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE. You are special, Don't EVER forget it."

Kid Picks 2