The missing amendment
Monday, March 23, 2009
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Questions about Men
Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in.
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys TWO cases of beer.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Why do men become smarter during sex?
Because they are plugged into a genius.
Why don't women blink during foreplay?
They don't have time.
Why did God put men on earth?
Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn.
Why don't women have men's brains?
Because they don't have penises to put them in.
What do electric trains and breasts have in common?
They're intended for children, but it's the men who usually end up playing with them.
Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
Because their balls fall over their assholes and they vapor lock.
Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
So they won't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
Why is a man's pee yellow and his sperm white?
So he can tell if he is coming or going.
Why does it take one million sperm to fertilize one egg?
They won't stop to ask directions.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
He buys TWO cases of beer.
What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A widow.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
Managed Care at the Highest Level
Three people pass and appear at the gates of Heaven to meet St. Peter. He asks the first one: “How did you live your life?” She answered: “I was a laboratory researcher for a medical branch which looked for cures for various diseases. I worked hard all my life and never squandered my time on earth.”
St. Peter says: “Welcome, my child. You may enter into Heaven!” And he turns to the next person and asks: “How did you live your life?” He answered: “I was a doctor in a wealthy neighborhood but spent half of my time volunteering in local clinics and working for Doctors without borders. I also gave regularly to my house of worship.”
St. Peter says: “Welcome, my child. You may enter into Heaven!” And he turns to the next person and asks: “How did you live your life?” She answers: “Well, I also worked in the medical field. I worked in the billing department of a managed care company and I worked hard to keep costs down and make medical care available to more people. I also attended church regularly.”
St. Peter says: “Welcome, my child. You may enter into Heaven!”
The woman is pleasantly surprised and asks St. Peter: “Now-a-days people don’t much like people in managed care – I’m a little surprised I got into Heaven so easily!”
To which St. Peter answers: “No problem, you have been pre-approved for three days.”
Three people pass and appear at the gates of Heaven to meet St. Peter. He asks the first one: “How did you live your life?” She answered: “I was a laboratory researcher for a medical branch which looked for cures for various diseases. I worked hard all my life and never squandered my time on earth.”
St. Peter says: “Welcome, my child. You may enter into Heaven!” And he turns to the next person and asks: “How did you live your life?” He answered: “I was a doctor in a wealthy neighborhood but spent half of my time volunteering in local clinics and working for Doctors without borders. I also gave regularly to my house of worship.”
St. Peter says: “Welcome, my child. You may enter into Heaven!” And he turns to the next person and asks: “How did you live your life?” She answers: “Well, I also worked in the medical field. I worked in the billing department of a managed care company and I worked hard to keep costs down and make medical care available to more people. I also attended church regularly.”
St. Peter says: “Welcome, my child. You may enter into Heaven!”
The woman is pleasantly surprised and asks St. Peter: “Now-a-days people don’t much like people in managed care – I’m a little surprised I got into Heaven so easily!”
To which St. Peter answers: “No problem, you have been pre-approved for three days.”
Friday, March 6, 2009
Monday, March 2, 2009
Senor Driver
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
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