Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
I'm busy with the kids and work, I'm sorry I cant get there to help you...besides, don't dig up that garden, it's where I hid the bodies.
Love , Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best
I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
An Evening Out
Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
Buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled
down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
Buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled
down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
Brian’s Mother
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Julie, was. Brian's mother had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Julie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Julie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking mom, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you "do
not" sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own
bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Julie, was. Brian's mother had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Julie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Julie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking mom, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you "do
not" sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own
bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
Night on a train
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f **king blanket!"
After a brief moment of silence ... he farted.
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f **king blanket!"
After a brief moment of silence ... he farted.
Subject: Good, Better, BEST
1) Good
An Erie , PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year
old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
2) Better
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Pittsburgh, and a $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
3) Absolute Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball". He replied, " Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls".
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
1) Good
An Erie , PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year
old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
2) Better
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Pittsburgh, and a $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
3) Absolute Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball". He replied, " Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls".
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
TheImportance of underwear
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in
the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in
the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Two Old Men
There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day
away talking.
One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"
The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"
The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she is dead?"
The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are
starting to pile up."
There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day
away talking.
One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"
The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"
The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she is dead?"
The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are
starting to pile up."
The Greek & the Italian
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes' the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman mpire."............... and this continued and continued until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "That is true,
but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a coffee shop one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes' the Greek says, "Well, we have the Parthenon." Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, "We have the Coliseum."
The Greek retorts, "We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics." The Italian, nodding agreement, says, "But we built the Roman mpire."............... and this continued and continued until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, "We invented sex!"
The Italian thinks for a couple of seconds and replies quietly, "That is true,
but it was the Italians who introduced it to women."
The prescription
A Woman walks in to a pharmacy and said she wanted to purchase some
cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll
lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of bad
things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You
didn't tell me you had a prescription."
A Woman walks in to a pharmacy and said she wanted to purchase some
cyanide.
The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband.
The pharmacist's eyes got big, and he said, "Lord, have mercy. I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll
lose my license, they'll throw both of us in jail, and all kinds of bad
things will happen! Absolutely not, you cannot have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "Well, now. You
didn't tell me you had a prescription."
Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their
local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them,
"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the
newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here
are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I
take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction
of his house. "Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is
fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in
the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my
neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!! The bitch!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull
the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the
mouth. Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick
off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a
few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a
grand here....."
Pilots & Control Towers
-Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ***************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
*******************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
********************************************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." **********************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" *******************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." *******************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." *******************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." **************************************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
-Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
************************************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?" ***************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
*******************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
********************************************************
There's a story about the military pilot calling for a priority landing because his single-engine jet fighter was running "a bit peaked". Air Traffic Control told the fighter jock that he was number two, behind a B-52 that had one engine shut down. "Ah," the fighter pilot remarked, "The dreaded seven-engine approach." **********************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich, overheard the following: Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?" Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English." Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?" Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!" *******************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7" Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. ! Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?" BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers." *******************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?" The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one." *******************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway." Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven." The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop. Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now." Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?" Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land." **************************************************
While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded. Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?"
Senior Banking
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the incon-venience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory de tails of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)
A 98 year old woman wrote this to her bank. The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the incon-venience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate. Be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory de tails of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press buttons as follows:
1-- To make an appointment to see me.
2-- To query a missing payment.
3-- To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4-- To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5-- To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6-- To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
7-- To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact.)
8-- To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
9-- To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement. May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.
Your Humble Client (Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman)
Married Life
Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken shit."
Walking into the bar, Mike said to the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one. I just had another fight with the little woman." "Oh yeah?" said Greg "And how did this one end?" "When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees."
"Really? Now that's a switch! What did she say?" She said, "Come out from under that bed, you little chicken shit."
Unanswered Questions:
1.Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3.OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4.If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a ! pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
1.Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
3.OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?
4.If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a ! pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12 If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me .....they're cramming for their final exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19 If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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