Physicist Parent

Alice chats with Dorothy

When Insults Had Class

These outstanding insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words.  I did not check these for accuracy!

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:

 -"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."

- "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

"He had delusions of adequacy."- Walter Kerr

"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."- Winston Churchill

"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."- Clarence Darrow

"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."- William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."- Moses Hadas

"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."- Mark Twain

"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.   - Oscar Wilde

- "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."- George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
- "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second .... if there is one."- Winston Churchill, in response.

"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."- Stephen Bishop

"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."- Irvin S. Cobb

"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."- Paul Keating

"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him."- Forrest Tucker

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"- Mark Twain

"Some cause happiness wherever they go;  others, whenever they go."- Oscar Wilde

"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."- Billy Wilder

"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it."- Groucho Marx.

Observing clouds

Alert Codes for Different Countries - John Cleese

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbor” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

Flight Safety

The Israelis are developing an airport security device that eliminates the privacy concerns that come with full-body scanners at the airports. It’s an armored booth you step into that will not X-ray you, but will detonate any explosive device you may have on your person. Israel sees this as a win-win situation for everyone, with none of this crap about racial  profiling.  It will also eliminate the costs of a long and expensive trial.

Imagine, you're in the airport terminal and you hear a muffled explosion.  Shortly thereafter, an announcement: "Attention standby passengers — we now have a seat available on flight 6709. Shalom!"