The Gate-keeper

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her 'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?' 'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her. 'Which word?' the woman asked. 'Love'. The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.

'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?' 'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her. 'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.

What a bummer! So, how do I get in?'
'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.
'Which word?' her husband asked.

‘Czechoslovakia '

Quote

'It has been said that politics is the second oldest
profession. I have learned that it bears a striking resemblance to the first.' - Ronald Reagan

The second greatest suit!

You have to give him credit for taking Camo and making a sport-jacket!

The greatest suit was made for an episode of M*A*S*H when one of the doctors bought some material for a pin-stripe suit and had it privately tailored in Korea. He didn't feel he needed to explain anything to the tailor, so in the final scene he walks in to show off his suit with the pin-stripes horizontal like a well-dressed prisoner.

Aromatherapy

McLogic

What was the question?

Little Tony was 7 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her :

'Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep in the same room and one is on top of the other?' She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. 'It's called sex, darling.'Little Tony said, 'Oh, OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandma, it isn't called sex. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

Murphy's Lesser Known Laws -

* Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

* He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

* Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

* Those who live by the sword, get shot by those who don't.

* Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

* The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

* If you lined up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them, five or six at a time, on a hill, in the fog.

* If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

* The things that come to those who wait will be the things left by those who got there first.

* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day, drinking beer.

* Flashlight: A metal tube used to store dead batteries.

* The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

* A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

* When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people who weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.