Italian Tomato Garden
An old Italian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig his tomato garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
I'm busy with the kids and work, I'm sorry I cant get there to help you...besides, don't dig up that garden, it's where I hid the bodies.
Love , Vinnie
At 4 a.m. the next morning FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best
I could do under the circumstances.
Love, Vinnie
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
An Evening Out
Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
Buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled
down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking
Buddy, Sven. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena. He
tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself
by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily
on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the
landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled
down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you Ole?"
Ole said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Lena said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the
broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of
blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but
mostly... it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror."
Brian’s Mother
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Julie, was. Brian's mother had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Julie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Julie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking mom, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you "do
not" sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own
bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
Brian invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Brian's mother couldn't help but keep noticing how beautiful Brian's roommate, Julie, was. Brian's mother had long been suspicious of a relationship between Brian and Julie, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Brian and Julie than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Brian volunteered,
"I know what you must be thinking mom, but I assure you Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to Brian saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" Brian said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll send her an e-mail just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother:
I'm not saying that you "did" take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.
Love,
Brian
Several days later, Brian received a letter from his mother that read:
Dear Son:
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you "do
not" sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own
bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love,
Mom
Night on a train
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f **king blanket!"
After a brief moment of silence ... he farted.
A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train - he in the upper bunk and she in the lower.
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the
closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."
"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's
pretend that we're married."
"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.
"Good," she replied. "Get your own f **king blanket!"
After a brief moment of silence ... he farted.
Subject: Good, Better, BEST
1) Good
An Erie , PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year
old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
2) Better
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Pittsburgh, and a $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
3) Absolute Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball". He replied, " Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls".
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
1) Good
An Erie , PA policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but
wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem. A twelve year
old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading "TIPS" and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
2) Better
A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an
automated radar post in Pittsburgh, and a $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
3) Absolute Best
A young woman was pulled over for speeding. As the Pennsylvania
State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket
book, she said "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball". He replied, " Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls".
There was a moment of silence while she smiled, and he realized what
he'd just said. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and
left. She was laughing too hard to start her car.
TheImportance of underwear
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in
the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle... From the Northwest Florida Daily News comes this story of a Crestview couple who drove their car to Wal-Mart, only to have their car break down in the parking lot.
The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car in
the lot.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from
under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of
underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones.
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the hood and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.
The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
Two Old Men
There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day
away talking.
One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"
The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"
The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she is dead?"
The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are
starting to pile up."
There were two old men sitting on a park bench passing the day
away talking.
One old man asked the other, "How is your wife?"
The second old guy replied, "I think she may be dead!"
The first man asked, "What do you mean you THINK she is dead?"
The second explained, "Well...the sex is the same but the dishes are
starting to pile up."
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