These are real notes written by parents in the Memphis school district
Spellings have been left intact.....
1. My son is under a doctor's care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
2. Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
3. Dear school: please ecsc's john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
4. Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
5. Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
10. Please excuse ray friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
11. Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahre dyrea direathe the shits.
12. Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
13. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
14. Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father's fault.
15. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don't know what size she wear.
16. Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it monday. We thought it was sunday.
17. Sally won't be in school a week from friday. We have to attend her funeral.
18. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
19.. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
20. Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
21. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
22. Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
23. Maryann was absent december 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat , her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Installing a Husband
Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.
What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.
However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance.. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support
Saturday, August 1, 2009
Laws of Life
Murphy's First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Murphy's First Law for Wives:
If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.
Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation:
The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.
The Salary Axiom:
The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.
Miller's Law of Insurance:
Insurance covers everything except what happens.
First Law of Living:
As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.
Weiner's Law of Libraries:
There are no answers, only cross-references.
Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness:
Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.
The Grocery Bag Law:
The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is always hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.
Lampner's Law of Employment:
When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
The Gate-keeper
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her 'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?' 'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her. 'Which word?' the woman asked. 'Love'. The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?' 'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her. 'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer! So, how do I get in?'
'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.
'Which word?' her husband asked.
‘Czechoslovakia '
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates. She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her 'Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.'
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, 'This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?' 'You have to spell a word,' Saint Peter told her. 'Which word?' the woman asked. 'Love'. The woman correctly spelled 'Love' and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day. While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
'I'm surprised to see you,' the woman said. 'How have you been?' 'Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died,' her husband told her. 'I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am.
What a bummer! So, how do I get in?'
'You have to spell a word,' the woman told him.
'Which word?' her husband asked.
‘Czechoslovakia '
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