Senor Driver
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
Monday, March 2, 2009
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Friday, February 27, 2009
Quotes to make you feel smarter
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC .
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Dan Quayle
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: 'I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.'
-- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
'Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.'
--Mariah Carey
'Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life.'
-- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.'
-- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
'Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.'
--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC .
'That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.'
--A congressional candidate in Texas .
'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
--Al Gore, Vice President
'I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.'
-- Dan Quayle
'We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?'
--Lee Iacocca
'The word 'genius' isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein.'
--Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
'We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.'
-- Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
'Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.'
--Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
'Traditionally, most of Australia's imports come from overseas.'
--Keppel Enderbery
'If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record.'
--Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
Thursday, February 26, 2009
From the Catskill Circuit
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes.'
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! .
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, 'Mom, how are you?' '
Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've been very weak. '
The son said, 'Why are you so weak?'
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.'
The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?'
The mother answered, 'Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, 'What part is it?'
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband. '
The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) 'Don't ! bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.'
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.'
'Force yourself,' she replied.
1. The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
2. There is a big controversy on the Jewish view of when life begins. In Jewish tradition, the fetus is not considered viable until it graduates from medical school.
3. Q: Why don't Jewish mothers drink?
A: Alcohol interferes with their suffering.
4. Q: Have you seen the newest Jewish-American-Princess horror movie?
A: It's called, 'Debbie Does Dishes.'
5. Q: Why do Jewish mothers make great parole officers?
A: They never let anyone finish a sentence! .
6. Q: What's a Jewish American Princess's favorite position?
A: Facing Bloomingdale's.
7. A man called his mother in Florida, 'Mom, how are you?' '
Not too good,' said the mother. 'I've been very weak. '
The son said, 'Why are you so weak?'
She said, 'Because I haven't eaten in 38 days.'
The son said, 'That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?'
The mother answered, 'Because; I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food if you should call.'
8. A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, 'What part is it?'
The boy says, 'I play the part of the Jewish husband. '
The mother scowls and says, 'Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part.'
9. Q: Where does a Jewish husband hide money from his wife?
A: Under the vacuum cleaner.
10. Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A:(Sigh) 'Don't ! bother. I'll sit in the dark. I don't want to be a nuisance to anybody.'
11. Short summary of every Jewish holiday: They tried to kill us, we won, let's eat.
12. Did you hear about the bum who walked up to a Jewish mother on the street and said, 'Lady I haven't eaten in three days.'
'Force yourself,' she replied.
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