Holiday Tequila Cake (Read with proper emphasis)
1-cup water
1-tsp. baking soda
1-cup sugar
1-tsp. salt
1-cup of brown sugar
Lemon juice
4 large eggs
Nuts
1 bottle tequila
2-cups dried fruit
Sample the tequila to check quality. (I already sampled it...several times to check the quality)
Take a large bowl, check the tequila again. To be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Repeat.
Turn on the electric mixer.
Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar. Beat again.
At this point its best o make sure the tequila is still OK. Try another cup...just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
Pick the frigging fruit up off the floor.
Mix on the turner.
If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver..
Sample the tequila to check for tonsisticity. Next, sift two cups of salt. Or something.
Check the tequila.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over.
Don't forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window.
Finish the tequila and wipe counter with the cat.
CHERRY MISTMAS!
Thursday, January 1, 2009
Who shot that beaver?
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella by mistake.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly."
A 90-year old man said to his doctor, "I've never felt better... I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?"
The doctor replied, "I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry and picked up his umbrella by mistake.
When he got to the creek, he saw a beaver. He raised his umbrella and went "bang, bang, bang", and the beaver fell dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year old said, "I'd say somebody else shot the beaver."
The doctor said, "My point exactly."
How To install a wireless security system:
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair.
Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.
Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish.
Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed."
Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots, a really big pair.
Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.
Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish.
Leave a note on your front door that says something like "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in 1/2 an hr. Don't disturb the Pitbulls, they've just been wormed."
EVERYTHING HAS A GENDER
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
You may not know this but many nonliving things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male , didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Subject: cussing
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,” When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,” You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom. "You know what?" says the 6 year old. "I think it's about time we started cussing." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues,” When we go downstairs for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass." The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His Mom locks him in his room and shouts,” You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
Only Marylanders Would Understand....
The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rte 90 Bridge."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 huge blue crabs and 6 good-size blue crabs on her."
Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
******You just can't keep Marylanders away from their crabs.******
The day after his wife disappeared in a boating accident, an Ocean City man answered his door to find two grim-faced Maryland State Troopers. "We're sorry Mr. Rice, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.
"Tell me! Did you find her?" Rice shouted.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
Fearing the worst, an ashen Rice said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the Assawoman Bay near the Rte 90 Bridge."
"Oh my God!" exclaimed Rice. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"
The trooper continued. "When we pulled her up she had 12 huge blue crabs and 6 good-size blue crabs on her."
Stunned, Mr. Rice demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"
The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow!"
******You just can't keep Marylanders away from their crabs.******
Redhead
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead takes her finger, pushes on her left breast and screams, then she pushes her elbow and screams in even more agony. She pushes her knee and screams; likewise she pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken."
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